I remember it well; it was the changing of seasons. It had not been particularly an unusual winter. Just like every other winter here, but something just didn't feel right.It was near the end of winter and the beginning of spring.At times warm enough that it was hard just stepping out of the front door of my house to my front porch, without breaking into a sudden sweat. My clothes heavy with the wetness of humidity clinging to my body . And yet I knew the impromptu days of winter were far from over, with my winter gear ready by the front hall closet I was ready for anything that this crazy life can bring upon us without hesitation.I knew this was not going to be a time that I would soon forget.Things can change, in a split second and we have to prepare ourselves for anything that life can throw at us. Life it self is unpredictable , your day can turn to nigh at a blink of an eye.The climate, can be as unpredictable, as the lives we live, as I was about to discover one fateful day nothing would ever seem rational again.What ever it was, call it intuition call it madness, but something strange was in the horizon, that was for sure!Something was amidst; something just didn't seem right that day.
God had a new itinerary and Mother Nature can be as cruel or as kind as it chooses to be , we have accept her kindness but also her fury.
Less than a year earlier while I was still living with my ex wife and son , I went to work early in the morning , than I would pick up our son after work . I would then come home to get dinner ready for us. After dinner , I would clean up than eventually give our son a bath and get him ready for bed.After reading and singing him to sleep I would barely have time to get myself ready for bed. I never realized than how undomesticated she was. Her Mother would often say to me Daniel, you do too much for her ,that is why she is the way she is. I wanted to always confront her and say, no it's because of the way you raised her. But I was taught to respect my elders and so I kept quit.
But I guess between, The sopping channel,Oprah, Montel , Judge Judy, and Dr Philyourheadfullofshit , she didn't have time for domestic or Motherly chores.Than came her implants , yes you heard right. she found out there was a new position at her Travel office for a sales executive,but being the methodical creature she was she deiced not to apply until after she insisted I fork out 5 grand for the "improvement",why? you be the judge.Man she had a plan. She now makes approximately 200k a year and I have tuna now for most of my dinners, don't worry, I love tuna(fortunately) . But I wish her all the success life has in stored for her.
I was doing just simply what needed to be done to look after my family.That is what I was taught to do, the way I was raised.Both my parents worked both cooked and both cleaned , so I never saw the difference (and still don't) in what a man's role is verses a woman.Not long after the tumultuous break up, I experienced yet another life changing event.
One fateful morning I was involved in a debilitating automobile accident that has left me with permanent physical disabilities and most important the psychological impact of this event transformed my life for ever.A lot was going on that dreary rainy day, I was on my way to see a family physician for some counseling .After my marriage ended, the way it did, I needed all the counseling and support I could get.Maybe my mind was just not altogether there, maybe I was still mourning as I am to this day, maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the fear of not seeing my son since I was having some difficulties with my ex-wife and I had not seen him in months, my ex (that is a term I will never get used to) my ex-wife the woman I trusted and love, the women I pledged my heart and soul to, the woman that bore my child the one who promised to love me in sickness and in health. That woman that now makes those promises to someone else.Maybe it was a combination of all, maybe I wasn’t paying attention to the weather conditions, I don’t know for sure what led to the events that transpired on the fateful morning, the events that have changed my life so drastically for ever.The windshield was covered in a fine mist; it made it difficult to see. The wiper blades seemed to be playing catch up. It was like a race between Mother Nature and man's technology , she was definitely winning. Then all of a sudden all I could see was a sea of red as bright as the blood that flows through my veins, the same red the flows from a bull after a defiant battle between men and beast .It was the red of the tail lights almost blinding me because they were so close, I could almost read the inspection date on the man made plastic cover that surrounded the fire red glow coming from them. My instincts told me to hit the brakes and brace the wheel, immediately I noticed a car to my right passing me at high speed than a minivan than another car, I was so focused on the passing vehicles that I was not aware of the eminent and unavoidable turn of events that would cause me so much pain and heart ache.I failed to notice the beast the monster the over sized SUV that seemed to be so out of place, in our ever changing world, concerned with global warming. The effects of our selfish ways will be a legacy our children will not be proud to inherit. They will someday have to face this, on their own. And yet, this behemoth this "environment killer” was about to attack and maim me and almost leave me for dead.This mammoth beast or SUV as some would choose to call it, hurled towards me at lightning speed.
By the time I noticed him in my rear view mirror he had already lost control and I guess for a split second , he must have thought that he was as powerful as the beast he was supposed to be in control of, he tried to veer around me ,(but life had other plans perhaps for the both of us). He unsuccessfully tried to avoid the impact when he lost control; the monster came at me sideways, the momentum from his furious speed kept him angrily attacking. The impact, I am sure was no different than being caught in between the path of two freight trains on a collision course.The force of the impact sent me flying forward coming to rest inches from the guard rail .My back seat no longer existed as the force of the impact had twisted the rear end and the back of my car into one, looking like one of those European automobiles that u can hardly fit more than one grocery bag and a driver in. My first instinct was to reach for my son, his baby seat was pinned against my right shoulder, pain shot through me like a snipers bullet hitting a vital organ and exploding inside my body. I cried out for my son, but there was no response, not because he wasn’t able to respond but simply because he wasn’t there.For a split moment in time I had forgotten that he was safe at day care. I often forget that he is not with me everyday, he wasn’t with me that day either, you see it was Tuesday and my visitation with him is on Wednesdays , call it fate call it what you will, but he was safe. I sometimes think he is still with me everyday, like he used to be when we were a family.
No longer did I see the vehicles that had abruptly stopped and ultimately caused this unfortunate chain of events, no longer was there the fiery red of hell from tail lights, no longer was there a fine mist on my windshield, Mother Nature’s veil.What just happened I asked my self?I sat there stunned, unable to move, or make any sense of what had transpired.A passing motorist on his way to Toronto from Montreal for a business meeting (I later found out) ran towards me and appeared to be shouting at me and I froze, I could not even reach for my door handle, nor my door lock too stunned to be able to reach for the power button to my window.After a few seconds that seemed to last an eternity I managed to unlock the door, the gentleman opened it and was asking if I was OK, if I needed some help? I tried to speak but the words would not come, when I awoke from my haze, I tried to get out of my car, I am not sure if I even answered his questions. I soon realized my body was held back by the safety device that had saved my life, my seat belt.I fell back into my seat and just kind of waited there for someone to wake me.I would soon be woken by the sweet smell of coffee, or the soft touch of a woman caressing my face, I would soon wake, I thought! And all this would have been nothing, but another night mare. Nightmares were a frequent thing since the brake up of my marriage.I was hoping, that this would be one more of those sleepless nights and I would soon awake and my day would continue.But this was no dream reality quickly set in when I turned my head slightly to the right again to look for the person that had done this, god the pain that shot through me; I saw what had nearly killed me. I could see tire marks across five lanes of highway the thing that had nearly taken me away from my son, was a mangled wreck, sitting half way on top of the guard rail; his tires appeared to be in shreds. His front end and the whole left side, that had mange to redesign my car, were terribly damaged. I wondered who was driving and hoping no one had gotten killed.A family man, I am sure this poor soul had family waiting for him at home. Maybe they haven’t seen him in days or months I thought, maybe he was on his way home from a long journey maybe they were sitting around the dinner table waiting for him to walk through the door, so they can run up to him and say how much he had been missed . His wife would then hug him a gentle tear would run down her porcelain like face and she would ever so gently press her lips against his and just simply say I love you. A family waiting, a wife longing and missing me that gentle kiss and hug at the door, what I wouldn’t give for that.A family! At least, that, was the perception we gave to outsiders. To all the people that lived outside our front door. People talk about spousal abuse, they talk about battered women but you hardly hear about the battered men. The men that show up at work with a black eye and have to explain how it got there, well call it machismo call it pride call it SHAME. Many times I told stories of my son playing rough as little boys often do, telling stories of how his newest hot wheel car went flying through the air and my eye was there to catch it, like a catcher’s mitt making contact with a ball at lighting speed. I had to explain why I was wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer, why it’s not hot! I would say, as beads of sweat traveled furiously down my back. Too much pride, too much shame to admit that my lovely and gentle wife, that was half my weight scratched and punched my arms so hard that she could have gone a few rounds with any great fighter.Man how I cried, on the inside of course I could never show anyone what was happening on the outside.I could not let on that my perfect little family was nothing but a sham. I often wonder why I stuck it out so long. Was it love, was it the fear of people finding out, or was it for the sake of my beautiful son?I don’t know you see it started right from the
beginning, before I even said I do.Before I put that 1 carrot diamond ring on her little fragile finger, the ring that she would later claim I stole just so that she could profit from the insurance .The shame, when the police, came storming through my elderly parents home the tears my Mother shed, the pain my Fathers weak heart felt, the embarrassment when they searched the room I was temporarily living in again at 37 years old. The room that was mine as a child once again belonged to me as a grown man.When they didn’t find the ring or any of the other things she claimed I had taken from her, when I left the house, they just simply left. I was left to pick up the pieces, of my parents broken hearts.My Mother sobbed my Dad held her and I held my head down in shame. Shame for this woman the person I loved the person that promised to love me for better or for worse.I left my wife, only after my suspicions were confirmed, not by me, but by a private investigator I hired. She went to Montreal on a
"business trip"I wonder if her Employers know they footed the bill for this lust fest. Something deep down inside told me she was being untruthful.Perhaps it was the brand new bikini she purchased , which I never saw before that night(what I sucker I thought later) I even helped her pack her bags and did most of the laundry for her trio.That was when I found the bikini, man was she furious with me for questioning the bikini for a business trip.Maybe it was the fact I offered to take time off work, to accompany her and she flat out refused.I sensed there was more to this trip than just business.So,when she left I got on the net and found someone over the phone , he took my credit card number and the rest is history. I hired a private investigator from Montreal , well let me tell you it was the worst weekend of my life. I got a play by play of the love affair over, telephone it lasted almost three days.I was a shell of a man by this point, I even drove her to the airport that morning tagging our sleeping baby at around 5am. You see I long suspected that my wife was unfaithful.She claimed I was crazy, I had a "vivid imagination", she would say. She could always come up with a story and a reason for all the missing pieces to this puzzle. Although she could never explain all the nights she just simply would not come home.I will never forget the first night, the fear I felt .I fed our baby, bathed him and put him to bed, then, I just simply waited and waited, 10 pm, 11pm, 1am, 3am, I fully expected any second I was going to get a knock on the door of our new house, the house I worked day and night for, It was our home, it was beautiful from the outside, but than again most things are. I expected a man in uniform to inform me that there had been this terrible accident and my wife the mother of my child the love of my life the woman that I protected by hiding the bruises on my arms and scratches on my back from, so no one would think less of her.I expected to hear this woman was never going to return, the thought of that, sent shivers’ down to my soul; it broke the men inside of me.But that call never came, at 5am I called her Mother, you see not only did I put my son to bed after feeding him on a regular basis I also had to get up two hours before my shift so that I could get myself ready pack my lunch and my sons bag and then drive him to the sitters house, 30 minutes away, at that time this sitter happened to be my Mother in law, I loved that women dearly, she was my confidant my best friend. I briefly explained what happened , that I was up all night pacing all through the house , that her daughter never came home .Of course like they say blood is thicker than water , I don’t think till this day she has ever admitted to herself what really happened. With time pure exhaustion took over and I nodded off sitting on our front living room couch, staring out our front window waiting for her to come home, come back to me, come back to our family.And she didn’t .She never did come back after that night, oh she showed up, but things were never the same again. She was back only in body .Her soul was left behind somewhere else.
Years later now, I still suffer the excruciating pain from that fateful morning. My son has recently confided in me, that his Mom said that I am merely” faking it”; just to get out of paying child support. Are these the kind of issues, parent discuses with a child?
Those were her exact words, as told by this small child.
Yes, I am faking it! I fake it every time I see her, I fake the loathing I feel for this so called woman .I have to for my son. But the pain, the pain remains. I no longer enjoy the life I enjoyed before .Every time I pick up my son I am reminded of the pain, every time I go for a walk to the park with him I am reminded of my pain , every time he asks , Daddy can you carry me on your shoulders like you used to? And I have to say I can’t buddy Daddy’s back hurts real bad today, I am always reminded of the pain.
But I am doing the best I can, I am still by the grace of God, alive, and that, on its own is a gift I cherish. They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Well I don’t share that view, to lose a love to me is like dying while still living. The pain, the loss the suffering, I would give it all up to never have loved at all!
